What Your Triggers Are Trying to Tell You About Your Self-Worth and Why Your Confidence Disappears Around Certain People
- cm1619
- Aug 20
- 4 min read
The Mystery of Vanishing Confidence - Why Your Confidence Disappears Around Certain People
You’re walking into a meeting, feeling fine.Your ideas are clear. You’ve prepared.
But then… that one person enters the room.Suddenly, your chest feels tight. Your voice gets smaller. Your thoughts turn into What if I sound stupid? or They’re probably better than me at this anyway.
Sound familiar?
Whether it’s a certain colleague, a critical family member, or even a someone you follow online, there are people who seem to have the power to make your confidence crumble.
If you’ve ever thought, “Why does my confidence disappear around certain people?”, the answer isn’t as random as it feels. It often comes down to emotional triggers — and what they reveal about your self-worth.
What Exactly Is a Confidence Trigger?
A confidence trigger is a specific situation, person, or behaviour that makes you instantly doubt your abilities, value, or right to take up space.
These triggers can feel sudden — but they’re rarely random. They often have deep roots in past experiences and internal beliefs.
Some common triggers include:
Tone of voice: Someone speaking in a blunt or dismissive way
Competence comparison: Seeing someone perform effortlessly in an area you struggle with
Social status: Being around people who seem “above” you in career, income, or popularity
Physical presence: A person’s posture, clothing, or energy making you feel “less than”
Unspoken tension: Picking up on subtle disapproval or disinterest
Think of a trigger as a button. When someone presses it — intentionally or not — it activates a whole set of thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that can drain your confidence in seconds.
Why Certain People Affect Your Confidence More Than Others
Let’s break down the psychology behind this.
1. They Mirror Your Insecurities
If you secretly doubt your intelligence, competence, or attractiveness, meeting someone who appears to have what you feel you lack can be confronting.
Example:If you’re insecure about public speaking, watching a colleague deliver a flawless presentation might not just impress you — it might also stir up feelings of inadequacy.
What’s happening:You’re projecting your self-criticism onto them. Their skill highlights what you’ve convinced yourself you don’t have — which temporarily erases your confidence.
2. They Remind You of Past Experiences
Your nervous system stores memories, especially emotionally charged ones.
If someone’s tone, expression, or behaviour reminds you of a person from your past who criticised, rejected, or belittled you, your brain may treat them like the same threat.
Example:You had a strict teacher who embarrassed you in front of the class. Now, years later, someone's clipped tone triggers that same humiliation — even if they’re not actually angry with you.
What’s happening:Your brain is wired for survival. It would rather overreact and protect you from a “false alarm” than risk you being hurt again.
3. They Challenge the Role You Play
We all develop unspoken roles in life — the helper, the quiet one, the problem-solver. These roles can feel safe and familiar.
But being around someone who acts outside that role — for example, a loud, unapologetic person when you’ve always been reserved — can feel destabilising.
Example:If your role in your friendship group has always been “the listener,” you might feel insecure around a new friend who’s confident, outspoken, and takes the spotlight.
What’s happening:They’re disrupting a pattern you’ve relied on to feel safe. Your identity feels shaken.
What Your Triggers Are Really Trying to Tell You
Here’s the empowering part: your triggers aren’t proof that you’re “less than.” They’re clues.
Each trigger is a message from your inner self saying,
“There’s a belief here that’s ready to be healed.”
Your triggers are pointing you towards:
Where you still carry old wounds (I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not likeable)
Which parts of you need reassurance
Where you can grow stronger boundaries or self-trust
When you start listening to what these moments are teaching you, they stop being something to dread — and start becoming a map to improved self-worth.
How to Work With Your Confidence Triggers
This is where you turn insight into action.
1. Pause Instead of React
When you feel that drop in confidence, take a deep breath. Give your nervous system a moment to slow down before you speak, act, or withdraw.
Tip:Say to yourself: “This is a trigger, not a truth.”
2. Get Curious, Not Critical
Instead of judging yourself for feeling small, ask:
“What does this person’s behaviour make me believe about myself?”
“Where have I felt this before?”
“Is this about them, or is it about something I’ve been holding on to”
3. Separate Fact from Story
Often, the story you tell yourself (“They think I’m stupid”) isn’t based on fact. Challenge it.Ask: “What do I know for sure?” You might realise your brain filled in the gaps with old fears.
4. Affirm Your Worth in the Moment
You don’t have to feel confident to speak to yourself kindly. Try:
“My value doesn’t change based on who’s in the room.”
“I’m allowed to take up space here.”
“Their success doesn’t undermine mine.”
5. Do the Deeper Work
If you notice the same triggers showing up repeatedly, it’s a sign the root needs attention.Working with a coach, therapist, EFT practitioner, or hypnotherapist can help you rewire the beliefs driving those triggers — so they stop running the show.
A Real-Life Example
“Emma” came to me frustrated that her confidence evaporated every time she spoke to her younger sister.Her sister wasn’t rude — but she was extremely confident, opinionated, and successful.
Through our work, Emma realised her sister’s presence reminded her of a childhood belief: “I’ll never be loved as much as her.” She’d spent years comparing herself and unconsciously shrinking in her sister’s presence.
Once she learned to notice the trigger, separate it from the old story, and affirm her worth, Emma could stay confident — even during challenging conversations.
The Takeaway
When your confidence disappears around certain people, it’s not a sign you’re inferior — it’s an invitation.Your triggers are signals pointing to the parts of you that need understanding, compassion, and healing.
The more you work with them, the less power they have. And one day, you might just find yourself standing in the same room with the same person… feeling steady, confident and entirely yourself.
If you'd like support working through your triggers, please get in touch.
Chris.
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