Why managing anxiety isn't enough: Understanding what really causing it.

When you live with anxiety, learning how to manage it can feel like the obvious place to start.

You might learn breathing exercises, grounding techniques or mindfulness. You might find ways to distract yourself when your thoughts start racing. You may have learnt to avoid certain situations, seek reassurance or prepare for every possible outcome.

And these things can help.

But what happens when the anxiety keeps returning?

What happens when you've become very good at managing the anxious feeling, but you still find yourself overthinking, worrying, doubting yourself or avoiding things you'd actually like to do?

Sometimes, managing the symptoms isn't enough.

It can be helpful to look a little deeper and ask:

What's contributing to my anxiety in the first place?

Anxiety isn't always about the thing you're worrying about

One of the things I often see is that the situation creating anxiety isn't necessarily the issue.

For example, perhaps someone doesn't reply to your message.

On the surface, you're anxious because they haven't got back to you.

But underneath that worry might stem from a fear that you've done something wrong, that they're upset with you, that they don't like you or that you're going to be rejected.

Or perhaps you make a small mistake at work.

The mistake itself may be relatively minor, but your thoughts quickly spiral into:

What if they think I'm incapable?

What if I've ruined everything?

What if I get into trouble?

The anxiety isn't necessarily about the mistake. It may be connected to what that mistake triggers in you.

This is why I believe it's necessary to explore the fears, beliefs and behaviours that can sit behind recurring anxiety, if you really want to take back control.

What might be causing to your anxiety?

There isn't one single cause of anxiety, and everyone's experience is different.

But there are some patterns I regularly see.

You might:

• worry excessively about what other people think of you

• struggle to trust your own decisions

• feel responsible for keeping everyone else happy

• find it difficult to say no

• constantly seek reassurance

• expect something to go wrong

• put enormous pressure on yourself to get things right

• fear rejection or disapproval

• struggle with low confidence or self-doubt

• avoid situations because you're worried about how you'll feel or what might go wrong

• spend a lot of time replaying conversations or analysing what you said

• feel responsible for other people's feelings or wellbeing

  
  

These patterns can become so familiar that you no longer notice them so, you don't always question them.

You may even think, “That's just how I am.”

But often, they are behaviours and beliefs about yourself and the world that you've taken on in response to an experience in your past.

What's really important for you to know is that they can be explored and changed.

You don't have to keep living in the past.

Our experiences can influence how we see ourselves, other people and the world around us.

Perhaps you learnt that making mistakes wasn't safe.

Perhaps you became very good at keeping other people happy because conflict felt uncomfortable.

Perhaps you learnt not to trust your own judgement.

Perhaps you became used to being responsible for everyone else.

There could be any number of things that have caused you to form a belief that now defines how you think, feel and behave.

Those experiences are having an impact on how you respond to situations today.

But recognising this doesn't mean you need to spend years revisiting everything that has happened to you.

I don't believe anxiety coaching should involve endlessly going over the past. Without negating any of your experiences, you've already survived that.

The important issue is:

How are those beliefs and behaviours affecting you now?

That's where I prefer to focus my work.

Rather than repeatedly revisiting what happened, we can look at what you took from those experiences and whether those beliefs are still serving you.

Why another coping technique isn't always the answer

There's nothing wrong with learning practical ways to manage anxiety.

In fact, I use a range of techniques with my clients, depending on what is appropriate for them.

Breathing, grounding, mindfulness and other approaches can all be useful tools.

But if you've already learnt lots of coping techniques and your anxiety continues to return, you may not need another technique.

You may need to understand the pattern.

For example, if you constantly seek reassurance because you're afraid of getting something wrong, learning another breathing exercise might help you feel calmer in the moment, but it won't address why you find it so difficult to trust yourself.

That's why I don't see anxiety coaching as simply teaching people how to cope when anxiety appears.

For me, it's about understanding what's contributing to it and helping you develop different ways of responding so that you can finally stop it controlling you.

There isn't one approach that works for everyone

Anxiety can look very different from one person to another.

Two people might both say they have anxiety, but one may struggle with people pleasing and fear of rejection, while another may be overwhelmed by perfectionism and a constant fear of failure.

Their experiences, beliefs and behaviours are different.

So why would their support need to be exactly the same?

My approach is personalised around the individual.

I draw on a range of approaches and techniques, including trauma-certified anxiety coaching, Cognitive behaviour Therapy (CBT), mindfulness, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), clinical hypnotherapy, breathwork and other tools where appropriate.

That doesn't mean using everything with everyone.

It means having different tools available and choosing what is appropriate for the person in front of me.

Do you have to work on your anxiety for ever?

I don't believe you should need therapy indefinitely.

That's one of the reasons I developed my Freedom from Anxiety Programme as a structured six-session programme.

The aim is to provide focused, personalised support over a defined period rather than creating a situation where you feel you need to keep coming back forever.

The programme gives us time to explore what's happening for you, identify the patterns that may be contributing to your anxiety, work with approaches suited to you and develop practical ways of responding differently.

There's also WhatsApp support and accountability between sessions, because the work doesn't stop when the session ends.

Of course, everyone's circumstances and progress are different. Six sessions isn't a guarantee that every person will experience exactly the same outcome.

But I believe having a clear structure and direction can be valuable.

The goal isn't to make you dependent on your coach.

It's to help you develop greater confidence in your own ability to manage things for yourself.

What could change if you understood your anxiety differently?

Understanding what's contributing to your anxiety doesn't mean you'll never feel anxious again.

Anxiety is a normal human response, and there will always be situations that make us uncomfortable, worried or uncertain.

The difference can be in how you respond.

You begin to recognise when you're slipping into overthinking rather than automatically getting caught up in it.

You become more aware of the beliefs behind your people pleasing.

You find it easier to trust your own decisions.

You start setting boundaries without feeling that you've done something wrong.

You become more willing to do things that previously felt too uncomfortable.

And perhaps most importantly, you start to realise that you can handle difficult feelings without allowing them to dictate every decision you make.

You don't need to become better at managing anxiety symptoms

The answer isn't another strategy for getting through the next anxious moment.

I believe it's about understanding why those moments affect you so strongly in the first place.

That's the difference between simply managing anxiety and working through the things that are causing it.

If you'd like to explore your own anxiety

If you recognise yourself in this article and would like to understand what's happening for you, you can book a free Anxiety Insight Call with me.

It's an opportunity to talk about what's been happening, what you'd like to change and whether my approach or one of my services would be appropriate for you.

There's no expectation that you need to decide anything on the call, or even agree to work with me.

But sometimes, having a conversation is simply a good place to start.

Chris

Essex Anxiety Coach