Why Do I Self-Sabotage and How Do I Stop It?

I'm sure, we’ve all had moments where we set a goal—whether it’s improving our health, changing our job or planning a trip—only to find ourselves getting in our own way and holding ourselves back. This frustrating pattern is known as self-sabotage, and it can feel like hitting an brick wall just as you thought you were making progress.

But why do we do this? One reason lies in something called secondary gain.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage happens when your actions, behaviours, or thought patterns block your own success. It often looks like procrastination, avoiding opportunities, giving up too soon, or falling back into old habits. On the surface, it feels like we’re working against ourselves. But underneath, the mind is often trying to protect us.

That’s where secondary gain comes in.

What Is Secondary Gain?

Secondary gain is the hidden benefit we get from holding onto a problem or behaviour—even if it seems unhelpful.

For example:

• Someone struggling with anxiety might avoid social events. On the surface, they want connection, but the secondary gain is to keep themselves safe from possible rejection.

• A person who procrastinates might believe they want success, but delaying tasks provides the secondary gain of avoiding failure or criticism.

In other words, while part of you wants to change, another part secretly benefits from staying the same.

How to Identify Your Own Secondary Gain

The first step to breaking free from self-sabotage is recognising the hidden rewards. Here are some practical steps you can take:

1. Notice Your Patterns

Ask yourself: When do I tend to self-sabotage? Is it when you’re close to finishing something important? Or when you’re about to step outside your comfort zone?

2. Ask “What Do I Get From This?”

Every behaviour has a purpose—even if it doesn’t serve your long-term goals. Gently ask:

• What does this behaviour protect me from?

• What benefit do I gain by staying stuck?

  
  

3. Explore the Fear Beneath the Habit

Often, the secondary gain comes from fear. For example:

• Fear of failure → procrastination

• Fear of rejection → isolation

• Fear of responsibility → playing small

4. Find a Healthier Alternative

Once you’ve identified the hidden benefit, ask: How else could I feel safe/comfortable without holding myself back?

• Instead of avoiding social events, try meeting just one close friend for a coffee — that way you still connect but in a way that feels safe.

• Instead of procrastinating, use small, achievable steps to build confidence and reduce the fear of failure.

5. Find Support

Sometimes it’s hard to see these patterns alone. Working with a coach, therapist, or support group can help you uncover the deeper reasons behind your self-sabotage and build strategies to move forward.

Final Thoughts

Self-sabotage is a sign that part of you is trying to protect yourself. By understanding secondary gain, you can uncover the hidden reasons behind your behaviour and start replacing them with healthier, more empowering choices.

When you shine a light on these patterns and bring them into the present moment to be challenged and changed, you get to take back control of your life.

If this is ringing bells with you, why not book a free consultation and find out how I can help .

Chris.